The inevitable question everyone must ask when they see your four (or more) little ones. "Are You Done?!" I think every mother of a "large" family hears this question. Especially if you go out in public. But from friends and family too. Its a natural question isn't it? But ... does it really make sense?
Lets examine it. "Are you done?" First of all. Are you done ..what? Certainly they can't mean "Are you done having sex ?!" Because, of course, that is an entirely inappropriate question for anyone, let alone a stranger, to ask. And to which my answer would be "No we quite like it, Thank You!".
But of course what is meant is "Are you done having children?" (usually accompanied with a large eyed astonished look and a bit of condescension). I am not sure that people (at least of the general wal-mart variety) put much thought into this. So for that I try to give them grace. I try.
So if we give in to the assumption that I plan on continuing to copulate with my husband (and I do), then what exactly are they asking? They know we have sex, as evidenced by our "many" children, and will continue to do so. So really they are asking if we are "done" by questioning our birth control methods or lackthereof.
Lets lay aside the fact that it really is an intensely personal question. Or that you don't really want to discuss your birth control options (or your sex life)with total strangers and generally not even with family and friends. Or even that most people are not actually interested in your prayerfully thought out life decisions, the theology behind it, and your conclusions. In fact most people already have made up their minds regarding family planning, birth control, and their worldview about children, and are not open to hearing a dissenting opinion (although they are more than happy to share their popular cultural one). When was the last time you asked someone how often they have sex and when or if they are fertile? No? Huh. Because that would be entirely too blunt and obnoxiously personal. And I do not think anyone is looking for a breakdown of my menstrual cycle and my ovulation rhythms.
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What they are really asking is if you agree with their ideology.
They are looking for reassurance that you aren't one of those crazy Dugger-ites. They are really saying "Wow! FOUR (or whatever number you happen to have above three) children? That last one must be a mistake. I hoped you have learned from it, you poor ignorant fool. Surely now you see the wisdom of modern birthcontrol. I mean really... the world IS overpopulated. Which method of artificial contraception or sterilization did you opt for? I, of course, made the responsible decision to only have two children, thereby not increasing the population, and avoiding any financial hardships that may or may not come along with having more. I don't personally like children and can't see how anyone possibly could, so therefore your offspring must either be a mistake or the result of faulty reasoning and misinformation."
That is pretty insulting isn't it? Of course, like I said, I dont think that most people put that much thought into it. I am sure of it. But some people do. They really think something along those lines.... and sadly even the most vague, ignorant, wal-mart variety curiosity contains the worldview that children are a burden and no one seems to really want them. Or at least not more than a few. I try to have some grace. I mean, after all, it's apparent that probably their parents didn't want them, so that is one reason to extend a little grace when they obviously think children are a nuisance.
Possibly they are also looking for reassurance "She has so many children, they must drive her nuts, my own two children test every ounce of patience I have, I could never contemplate spending all day long with so many children, why would she do that?! Surely she is at her limits and has taken action to prevent further mistakes as I did. I need to know that she is agreeable with my life decisions and if not, I will happily educate her on her foolish unprotected sex."
Of course the expected answer when asked "Are you done?" Is "O! Yes! I am SO done. We are so done that we were both sterilized AND we are on the pill AND we use condoms." Or... Uheemmm something along those lines.
So what do you do when the answer doesn't fit? What do you say to the whole world (who for some reason is intensely interested in your most personal details) when the answer is "No"? As in "No... we like our children. No... we trust God to plan our family. No ... we don't want to sterilize ourselves or get "fixed" because <cough> we are not broken, in fact our bodies work exactly how they were designed! No. We believe children are a blessing (not a curse). No. We think "overpopulation" is propaganda spread into our culture from elite eugenicists." Should you say any of those things? Grace, Tay, Grace. I have a few snarky answers. More than a few ungraceful responses. Probably none of which would be Jesus' response. Because... Im pretty wretched.
Sometimes I would like to spin the world around, topsy turvy. Start a pro active campaign to question the cultural norm! What would that look like?!
I think I will stalk the local Kroger and ask random women who only have two children some questions. It'll be great. It'll go "Are you done?!" You are?! Well, good for you! I am SO glad you aren't breeding anymore. I mean your children were obviously a mistake, they are expensive, and keep you from contributing to our great nation through taxable wages. The world is overpopulated you know, and since you and your husband only had two ... well at least you aren't contributing to the problem. AND youll have enough money to buy them whatever plastic thing they whine for that they saw on the commercials! Don't worry. Soon they will go to school, and our great government can educate them for the next 13 years! For free! Then you can get back to contributing to society. " But, of course, that wouldn't exactly be graceful. And I am sure it would offend local Kroger shoppers.
So for now I usually just let my children pipe up " No! we like babies!" as I gracefully walk away.
This post explicitly deals with the "Are you done?" question. The theology and misconceptions surrounding family planning and modern birth control will be addressed in another post. Mostly I just want to vent my frustration and illustrate the inappropriateness of the question in the first place.
For those people who are actually interested in our reasons and theology behind our family planning decisions I am more than happy to share with.
For the awkward everyday passerbys who just have no manners I cannot apologize to.
Several comments, of varying shades of agreement and disagreement. Sort of.
ReplyDeleteFirst, if people actually are trying to get youth subscribe to their worldview via their comments, and I'm sure some are, but I think they're rare, they totally deserve to be told to butt out and simmer down.
Thing is! It's hard to tell who is doing that and who is simply making conversation with whatever comes first to mind. Like the "well, you've got YOUR hands full, huh?" crowd. That's just what comes to mind.
Soo to the next bit -- I think many are happy or sympathetic or even a little envious to see all the kids. But in an attempt to not give that away, cuz maybe they'll be seen as incorrect somehow, they figure better to stick with popular wisdom that a mother of many simply MUST be exhausted and burnt out and worthy of pity. Even if they aren't, it seems the safest way to deal with them (and I didn't come up with this on my own, I'm not that nice) is to be charitable. Or as you term it, extend them grace. So, make an excuse for them. Like, "well, she only has one and has had a heck of a time with that one, so assumes more than one are going to be so many times more trouble and demanding than one.. So she thinks she's being nice sympathizing with me via her comments. And just like so many other things we say automatically, she's putting no thought into what exactly she's saying. Eh well."
I do agree that people should think more about what they're saying, so to me it seems most effective to say something like "eh, I guess we'll see, maybe we'll have one more, maybe ten more!" or "God willing, nope, not done yet!" or "you know, you'd think, but they're really a good deal, it'd be kind of sad to not have more" or "I guess we'll see soon enough, maybe we are are, maybe not, thankfully it's not up to me!" or something. Sort of specifying God's deciding, but in a nice way.
As far as the Duggars go, I have mixed feelings. I haven't encountered that yet, and feel four is pretty meager, haha, but! I think there are two things here.. One, I have the same issue. I don't want to be classified as them. But! Ideally, I think it shouldn't matter. If you're classified as such, it's cuz society is not as it should be, and we should be glad to be outcasts because of our beliefs. But that doesn't reeeeally help. I still don't like it. But I do think it's sanctifying. You know?
All in all, I'll stop rambling, and I liked your post! Just figured I'd comment and dissent a little, more interesting discussion that way. ;D
Maria
I agree that most people just dont put that much thought into it. But I do find it pretty rare to receive encouragement from others! Its almost always discouragement!
DeleteI also try to nicely establish that we believe that its Gods decision. Like " O we will see what God has planned!". I try to leave people with at least some food for thought. Good insights Maria :)
Ha! You are a kindred spirit, aren't you? We just bought our first big-family van, a Chevy Express 12-seater. One of the things the salesman asked me was, so were all 6 (I didn't tell him about the one on the way) planned?
ReplyDelete"We don't believe in accidents."
"So you planned this?"
"No, we let God plan it." Grin.
And he was a lovely, fine man. I don't think he was doing the appalled thing that a lot of people seem to be doing when they ask if you're "done." In fact, one car salesman actually lost our business with his negativity about *our* family. I really don't want to give you $25,000 after talking to me that way.
There are a lot of different reasons behind the question, so I try to be careful about assuming, but sometimes it's very clear that you're being challenged. Like you, I just keep it positive and let the kids speak for themselves. We're happy. We look happy, and most of the time we act happy, so it goes far toward keeping the conversation pleasant, even when we are obviously NOT on the same page as the questioners.
"We don't believe in accidents" - Love it, I will have to remember that one! Only now that we have passed the 4 kid mark do I get asked this so often. Im getting used to it. I have heard from other mommas that once you reach 6 or 7 that people just assume your crazy and quit asking!
ReplyDeleteI'm expecting our ninth child in a few short weeks. As you can guess, we are often asked if we're "done." Often, folks are just curious (what an odd thing to ask of a total stranger!), some are just rude, and still others wish they were in our shoes. I try to be graceful in addressing all of them. Sometimes more successfully than others... Lol!
ReplyDelete